What I Used to Think About Me

Cyndi Woods

Once I learned that blindness was going to be my life, I began craving normality at any cost. As I reached my teenage years and witnessed all my girlfriends beginning to date and getting asked to dances, I felt like an outsider. I wasn’t getting asked out on dates. I was… different.

So when I heard all about the dance or the date and I listened to my friends swoon over this boy or that boy, I longed to “be normal.” This began a destructive thought pattern for me. If a boy paid me any mind, I drank it in like I was a dying plant. It didn’t matter if the words they spoke or the attention they gave wasn’t valid or real… it was attention. I wanted them to want me like they wanted other girls. I wanted to be beautiful and valuable and special. I could talk like any other girl, I could dance like any other girl, I could kiss like any other girl. When I became of legal age… I could drink like any other girl.

I devalued myself in order to find false value from someone else. Someone who wouldn’t treasure me or cherish me. I ended up in an abusive relationship with a man who made sure I understood what a sacrifice he was making to take on a broken throw-away person like me. Each slap, kick, or shove was only because I was so difficult to handle and if I would just figure out how to use my useless eyes better, then he wouldn’t get so frustrated with me. All monstrous lies and hurtful damaging wounds, but I believed them.

I believed that I wanted to be used physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally; I believed it made me more “normal.” I had no value for myself. I allowed other people to place or take away value on or from me. I saw myself as a throw-away person. Have you ever seen yourself that way? Perhaps you see yourself in that way right now?

Can I tell you something? Jesus, our creator, the creator of ALL things, died just for you! If you were the only person on earth He could save, He still would have died for only you. Jesus is the only one who can place true value on you. He values you so much that He gave His life to save you! Has anyone else done that? It doesn’t matter what choices you’ve made or what brokenness is in your past or present, He still loves and cherishes you. Oh, sweet girl, Jesus longs for you to experience His love for you. We don’t have to find love and value in those who won’t give it. We don’t have to give ourselves away to anyone but Jesus. He will treasure your heart and treat it well.

You don’t have to compromise or exchange anything for Jesus to love you. He already does. The words He speaks are true and lovely and uplifting. I am not worthless just because I can’t see. My sight is weak but my vision for God is crystal clear. I now know how valuable I am to God and how He can use me. Let Jesus be the one who gives you value. He has plans for you, girl!