The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy is a feeling not unfamiliar to many people and one that can quickly become a larger problem if left unchecked. It's not pleasant for anyone involved but it’s often a feeling we're not sure how to shake. When we've been hurt it can be very easy to carry the scars of past relationships into present ones. Sometimes we don't even realize that something has left scars or how badly experiences have hurt us until suddenly we're reacting. However, confidence is extremely attractive. So while it’s not easy to brush off insecurities that we've developed over time, it's important that we learn how to replace them with confidence in our self worth.

Sometimes naturally outgoing people don't easily recognize how behaviors can be perceived as more than being friendly. What it is that make you jealous when he spends time with or talks to other girls? Do you feel they are prettier, smarter, or funnier? Do you feel that if he's investing in a woman that it should be the one he's dating? Or do you feel like he's not being honest about his friendships with other women? It's easy enough to recognize the feeling of jealousy, but to be able to do anything about it we need to dig deep and think what exactly is causing these responses. Some are superficial insecurities while others are valid reasons. 

You have every right to the way you feel, what’s important is how you respond to these feelings. Being controlling isn't healthy, but if you replace being passive-aggressive with being open about how you are feeling, you can begin to have healthy conversations that may allow for understanding and growth.

Here’s a practical example:

You're sitting on the couch watching a movie and he's texting one of his female friends. You realize this and it upsets you. The first thing you should do is try to determine why it's bothering you. Maybe it's your favorite movie and your bummed he's not paying attention. Maybe you feel like he's supposed to be spending time with you and instead he's texting someone else. Even if you aren't completely sure why, you should pause the movie and allow yourselves a moment to talk about the fact that you're bothered in a calm way. Even saying "I'm not exactly sure why this bothers me so much, but I'm upset and I don't want to take it out on you."  

It's important that you open the door for communication without the intent of starting a fight. When we're hurt and upset it can be easy to lose our cool but try to remember this man cares about you. And no matter how obvious it may seem, he can not read your mind. It is your responsibility to share with him to the best of your ability what you are feeling or he can't even begin to help.

Keep in mind that there are things that should be kept sacred between couples and this includes more than physical intimacy. It's important the boundaries are set in place so that you two are able to respect the relationship you share. One thing that can really help is if you meet his friends. If his relationships with them is purely platonic there should be no issues with introducing you to them. Perhaps you'll even make some new friends from it. This also helps prevent the feeling of secrecy.

If you feel you have boundaries that are being violated or that you are not being treated the way you should deserve, never settle for second best. But if you trust him and you truly believe these are your own securities peeking through:

1. When a situation makes you jealous, take time to really understand what is causing it.

2. Be open and honest with him. Talk it through.

3. Get to know his friends.