How Can I Break Free From My Addiction to Porn and Find Love?
Question: Everything I'm about to write is completely true and this is the first time I'm sharing this with anyone.
I will just list some of the things that have shaped me in a profound way because I feel like that would be easier. A few important details first: English is my 2nd language, I live in Costa Rica, I was raised as a Christian (Pentecostal)... I know this might not sound important, but I would say I'm very handsome, and I say that objectively because I have no ego about these things. I mention this because I used to receive compliments all the time when I was a kid, then I hit puberty and my self-esteem was crushed, and now I'm a good looking adult but my perspective has changed completely, I have terrible insecurities, and I still live with my parents.
• My parents treat sex as sin, so when I started to become interested I distinctly remember asking them where babies come from on several occasions, and they ignored me. I don't think they've had sex in literally decades.
• At around that age I was so curious that I asked my male cousin (I was maybe 8 and he's 3 years older)... he was telling me about it but I didn't really get it, and I asked him about kissing, so eventually we started kissing out of pure curiosity, no real attraction or anything, just an awkward experience that was my first ever kiss... I know.
• Another cousin of mine, also 3 years older than me, showed me his penis when I was like 6, and in my household nudity was so demonized that that was the first time I saw one, and it felt wrong and weird, but nothing else.
• When I was about 10 a couple of guys we knew were bullying a kid that I think was autistic, they told me and another friend to come over. They told him to take out his penis and start peeing. I actually got scared of the guys because I didn't know they treated people that way until that day.
• When I was like 13 I was flashed by an older man. I was sitting on a curve waiting for a friend at night, he sat close, took out his penis and started to masturbate. He was very drunk and quite short so I didn't feel threatened. That being the first time I was seeing an actual adult's sexual parts in real life, I was really curious and I tried to watch, which he saw as an invitation and came closer and tried to touch me. At that point I told him to back off and left.
• I used to spend a lot of time with my aunt when I became interested in sex, and she was in her early 40s. In retrospect, she definitely knew I was always around her because I was attracted to her. She has big breasts and never wore a bra in the house. It was usually just me, her, and her baby (she had him when she was 40) She breastfed him in front of me and I know that she knew I was watching her. She's the woman I've fantasized about the most. I know I'm a mess.
I am SO attracted to her that I made a list of all the times she has flashed me or made sexual references, etc. It started when I was a kid and she did things like lift her blouse to "blow air" on a hot day, showing me her boobs in plain view (at the time I didn't know she was doing it on purpose), among other blatant things like that. About a year ago (2019) we started to see each other more and there was incredible sexual tension. I like her because she's the first woman whose breasts I saw as a kid when sex was completely taboo, and I know she likes the attention I give her because I'm 30 years younger and she acts like a teenager around me. She isn't good at being subtle.
Nothing has happened but I still put her on a pedestal to this day.
• There was a time when I was only attracted to girls, I used to watch women's lingerie catalogs looking for boobs, the first time I felt butterflies down there was watching that scene from "True Lies" where Jaime Lee Curtis dances almost naked for Arnold Schwarzenegger. I was also attracted to a few women older than me (a woman who was in her late 20s when I was 13), but never anyone my age.
• Even though I'm attracted to some older women, I masturbate mostly to older men (50 and older)... I think because I was a "cute" kid, my aunt and that older drunk guy saw me as a target, being completely ignorant about sex, those became my fist "sexual experiences", both with people in their 40-50s. I think this defined my arousal template and now I don't like women my age.
• I don't think I'm gay because I don't see myself in any kind of romantic relationship with a guy, I think this is a fetish because I don't like younger guys, or girls. When I watch pornography, it's mostly regular older men who go on webcam sites and masturbate for viewers. I don't watch men having sex, or videos with two men. I like CFNM (older guy, young girl) or videos or only men... and sometimes only older women, but almost never.
• I experimented with drugs for a few years, but psychedelics especially have expanded my mind a lot. I've gotten to see my thoughts from a different perspective and I feel like I'm extremely aware of my mortality, but I am not afraid of death, per se. I sometimes wish I could stop existing but I don't want to kill myself... I fantasize about the apocalypse happening, or some kind of global event that changes or ends everything. I don't have too much to loose so I guess I'm looking for meaning.
Sorry about the long message, I just think my case is quite peculiar. I want to find love, I want to move in with a woman because I am only romantically attracted to women. But I am addicted to porn (older men) and I'm afraid that the first time I am intimate with a woman I won't be able to get aroused because I'm so confused sexually.
What can I do to find love and stop this addiction that has become so overwhelming?
Thank you!
Response: First of all, thank you for reaching out with your message. I am so sorry that you have been through this trauma and abuse – that is what it was. There is no justification for it, and it should not have happened to you. Drunk or not, your relative or not, what happened to you was inappropriate and you were taken advantage of. It completely makes sense that your view of sexuality, potential partners, etc. would currently be skewed or abnormal because of these experiences. This does not have to be your reality forever. You are not “damaged beyond repair” or anything like that. Your relationships aren’t doomed to failure or unhappiness, and I have every reason to believe that you can find healing and wholeness, in spite of the trauma, and the ways that you have coped.
It sounds like one of the ways that you have found to explore your sexuality and try to make sense of it is through pornography. While it may have been a seemingly harmless discovery expedition at first, pornography has rooted itself in your life, and is now a full-fledged addiction. You are going to have to reach deep inside your heart and mind, and lean on God’s strength more than you’ve ever thought you needed to before. Pulling yourself away from the addiction of pornography will likely be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. The tricky thing with porn is that even if you never watch another scene again, you cannot erase the images of what you have already seen. I know you know that, that’s why you have asked for help.
The good news is, you…want…out. A true and real desire to be free of the hold it has on you is the first step to being released from its choke-hold. Your next step is to call upon God, accept His offer to stand by you every step of the rest of your journey, and pull from His strength until you feel it taking over. Don’t just ask Him for strength – take it! He has already offered it to you, you just need to make it yours and use it.
Then you need to do everything in your power, and His, to change the routines and environments in your life that feed into and facilitate the addiction. Make yourself very aware of the triggers that send you in search of porn. Analyze those triggers and ask yourself “why is this triggering me?” Recognizing why you are being triggered can help keep you away from situations that cause you pain. When you feel yourself being triggered, force yourself to walk away from your porn access point and cope with it in another way. Do you like to write? Draw? Paint? Sing? Exercise? Hike? Read? Find a creative way to take your mind away from those images and focus it on something else that gives you joy. It will take a while for this to become second nature, but when it does, you’ll feel free.
Work to keep yourself in other people’s company. Try not to let yourself be alone when you’re feeling sad or lonely. Find fulfillment in your friendships and family, build on them and strengthen them. When you have a strong support network, your need to turn to porn for comfort will lessen greatly. Find a meaningful way to be of service to your community. Helping others often takes our minds off of our own pain and is a healthy outlet for the energy it builds up inside us.
You know what porn has done and is doing to you personally, so I won’t elaborate on what it does to the minds (and sex life) of those that watch it. The truly sinister side of porn is that it directly feeds and fuels the sex trafficking industry. We work with survivors of human trafficking, and porn features prominently in every story we’ve heard from them. And even those on the top levels of the porn world, even those that are being paid for what they do, are being forced to do things they did not sign up for. Watching porn allows and gives reason for the abuse to continue. Work hard to pull yourself out of this. Work hard for you, and for those trapped in a horrific world they cannot escape. Your decision to walk away from porn saves not only you, but it’s also a small step towards crumbling the human trafficking industry.
You have done a great deal of open and honest sharing here, and I commend you for your bravery. That being said, I am not a counselor, and I really think that is who you need to be talking to about your story and where to go from here. Here is a link to find one in your area: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/christian. Many of them if not all are offering online or telehealth options due to COVID-19, so there should be some ways that you can connect with them in a similar space as this and discuss your situation. The difference is that unlike a Christian Mentor (me), they have the professional training to know how to really help you heal. To help you figure out how to process these experiences and move forward as a healthy, whole individual, ready to have that relationship that you are looking for. I encourage you to please reach out to them right away. You are at a good spot in your journey, as is evidenced by the fact that you are willing and ready to share your story, and get the help you need.
All the prayers,
G2G Mentor
