How Do You Forgive Yourself?
Message: I did something a few years I regret saying/doing. And I haven’t been able to forgive myself since and that made me bitter. I want to forgive myself and be a better person for myself and others. But how? I used to be genuinely kind and forgiving. I want to be that person again. I said it to myself today too, just to get things started. I said, “ You are a good person and you are kind. You do a lot for others that don’t even need it and that’s what makes you great.” Sounds dramatic, I know! But I’m desperate for help.
Reponse: I'm sorry that you're struggling to forgive yourself but please know you are not alone. It is not always easy to look back at the people we used to be or the things we've done. It sounds like you're a very kind and sensitive soul and it's very common, especially for people who are the most aware of the effect that their actions have on others, to have these feelings of regret. However, it's important to know that you do not need to continue feeling this way. You can acknowledge that what happened was wrong, and move past it. I hope I’m able to help you get to that place.
First of all, I want you to know that you are not in any way discounting what happened in your past by letting go and moving on. Sometimes we feel we have to continue punishing ourselves in order to truly be repentant of our past, but that is not so. It’s easy to believe the lie that if we accept the past and move on we aren’t truly sorry, so we continue to make ourselves feel bad, even if we have done everything we can to fix what we’ve done.
Psalm 103:10-14 says – “He has not punished us as we deserve for all our sins, for his mercy toward those who fear and honor him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far away from us as the east is from the west. He is like a father to us, tender and sympathetic to those who reverence him. For he knows we are but dust.”
We have all fallen from grace at one point or another, but God forgives us and knows that we are merely human. As our father, he opens His arms to us and readily forgives our sins. If the God of the Universe can forgive you, you too are allowed to forgive yourself.
Now, on to how to actually do that. It can sometimes be easier said than done if we don't first change our mindset about the past. Regret, shame, and guilt tend to have the same root: the idea that what happened, should not have happened. The thing is, it did happen and we cannot change that. So we can either continue to beat ourselves up or we can choose to see our past and our mistakes for what they actually are - a learning experience.
If we struggle to be kind and forgive even ourselves, how can we expect to extend that kindness and grace to those around us? By accepting that our own mistakes are forgiven by God and are instead learning experiences, we can begin to extend this same understanding to others.
Take a moment to think about how much you've changed from this incident. You still carry it around with you so I'm sure it continues to color some of your thoughts and decisions to this day. You likely unconsciously use it as an example of what not to do to avoid the same outcome. By having this experience it has already taught you how to improve yourself. Revel in this wisdom and embrace the beauty in new growth.
It is important to view everyone through the eyes of Christ and recognize nobody is perfect. It sounds like you are already taking some good steps towards helping change your view of yourself. Continue this process of self affirmation and move forward with the confidence that you are no longer the person you once were.
