Is It Bad to Be Close Friends with a Non-believer?
Question: I have been struggling so much. I found a friend online (three, actually, all nonbelievers) but this one is the focus of this message. We communicate through discord.
All the online articles seem to paint unbelievers one color: “All nonbelievers are evil, will lead you off the path, and you’ll end up with fifty piercings and in a bar because of them.” However.
This friend is the sweetest, kindest, least judgmental person I have ever met. Ever. This including my Christian acquaintances. She doesn’t drink or any of that, besides a bit of swearing when she’s really mad or passionate about something. We eventually learned each other’s names and voice/video chatted. I go to her for any issue in my life that isn’t Christian-related. Not for advice (I go to God and scripture for that) but for emotional support and strength. I have been there for her when she goes through rough times. We want to meet in person. It’s such a strong bond - not what the typical article on nonbeliever friendships would assume.
I talked to her about God. She was the one who asked me about it because I had mentioned it when we were discussing other matters. And so I dove into apologetics, providing facts, science, logic. I gave her everything I had and all I could find. I prayed like no one would believe. She was extremely receptive. I was ecstatic. But later, in passing, she made a comment about how she’d stick with evolution when we were in a group and it briefly was mentioned. I am 100% certain she wasn’t trying to offend me and would be horrified if I had told her it made me feel bad, but it still felt like a punch in the gut. Like I had failed, despite my prayer and despite my research and despite my hope. What had gone wrong? Still, I haven’t stopped praying.
The root of my issue is that I’ve really been struggling with what the Bible says about having friends as nonbelievers. We are so close and I can’t even think about leaving her or even becoming less close - we talk daily. However, I know the Bible says to “walk with the wise.” I know that many say this just means to not let worldly ways turn us from God, which I haven’t allowed at all. Is being so close with an unbeliever a bad thing? Are all unbelievers purely evil to be around? Or is the problem more the fact I don’t have any close Christian friends?
I have huge social anxiety and difficulty making friends, which is why online is so much easier. People at church are hard to connect with. I’m also hugely introverted. I don’t let just anyone into my life as a close friend, and it’s so hard for me to have a real-life personal relationship. I don’t like socializing at all since I find it draining, but is it a command? Additionally I don’t know if I know any Christian around my age who can offer sage advice or even be the friend I need in general. I am very intuitive and can sense what people need but others don’t, necessarily, which often makes for relationships where I’m giving but receiving nothing I need.
Do you have any advice to help with my situation (both regarding the current friendship and finding Christian friends)?
Response: What an excellent question to ask and I am glad that you came to us for some advice. Friendships are so important and it's always great finding someone you can have a good laugh with, cry with, and have those deep meaningful conversations with. As a Christian, we can be great witnesses to the people that we meet in our lives – believer and non-believer alike. Everyone is at a different place in their journey, so you might even find that some Christian friends are less spiritually mature than you. You can be just as much witness to them even though they are already believers.
When we make friends with someone who is not a Christian, is it important to keep our wits about us so that, as you mentioned, we don’t unintentionally get distant from God in order to be close with that friend. That being said, unbelievers are NOT all evil. All people are children of God, and we are commanded in the Bible to love them as such. Running from them, making unfair judgments about who they are and/or their heart just because they have been taught differently than we have is where so many Christians miss the mark. We aren’t called to alienate or judge, we are called to love. Pure and simple. So no, you are not wrong for having a non-Christian friend.
You should be proud of yourself for sharing with her things from the Christian perspective and doing so respectfully too. It's always best with non-believers to meet them where they are rather than shove religion or your views down their throat. Friendship is a great tool to share your beliefs and be a witness to them without being all preachy. That being said, it’s important to keep some perspective going forward. It sounds like you’ve taken a lot of responsibility for the fate of your friend – and understandably so! It’s hard when we pour our soul out to someone and then they still don’t see the truth in what we have shared. Fortunately, we are not expected to convert people and change hearts. We are called to walk with Christ, to show love, and to be witness of the goodness of God by sharing the Good News with others. The rest is up to the Holy Spirit. While right now your friend might be sticking to her guns on evolution vs. creation, you have exposed her to the truth, shared with her the Good News, and now you can continue to be her friend and be a living testimony of why a relationship with our creator is a positive, necessary aspect of leading a happy life. Leave the rest up to the Holy Spirit, and pray knowing that God can work in ways we cannot. He can soften hearts and inspire thoughts – leave it to Him.
Finding friends in general can be hard and even harder if you have social anxiety or are an introvert. If you know that discord is a safe online way to meet friends then use it! I’m glad you’ve found what works for you. When finding Christian friends who are around the same age as you, it can be a little challenging. Joining the youth ministries group if there is one is a great way to connect with the other youth your age. Some youth ministries have Bible studies together during the week, social events like a game night, or witnessing events to the community. Find out if your local church has a youth ministry program and if not, maybe help start the conversation with the leadership of the church to get one going. If this doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, maybe look for online ways to engage with local youth in your area. You might be surprised how many people would like to join a book club, virtual game night, or online gift exchange. Friendships can come about organically, and then you will have the opportunity to learn more about people. You may find that there are Christians out there who, just like you, would love to have some online friends to connect with. Social Media can be a great place to start the conversation.
Friendships are amazing and we all need a good friend in our lives to bounce ideas off of, laugh with, be super silly, and super serious about things with. I pray that you continue to be a great friend to your online friends and especially the one you mentioned in your note. God is always with you to help you through these confusing times, especially navigating the friendship world. Pray to God for clarity and continue to pray for your friend. Who knows, God may be using you right now to make an impact on her life.
