Is It Time for a Divorce?

Question: My husband and I have been married 14 years. We have had many issues in the past that have eroded our trust in each other. Both of us are Christians but come from dysfunctional families. In the past my husband has been controlling with money. We worked thought it, and I felt like we had things figured out. He still pays all the bills and knows where we are at financially, but he doesn’t over-spend any more and doesn’t control my spending like he used to. I felt like we were finally in a good place.

But then in the past month he has taken my credit card info and opened an online banking account on my behalf, which he denies me access to. He has it attached to his phone, but I’m not allowed to see it. I asked him for the info, but he blew me off. He also got an offer to do some consulting work (3 hours away), accepted it, but didn’t tell me until it wouldn’t have worked out in our schedule unless he told me. Then he paid our rent as a partial payment, but didn’t tell me or talk to me about it at all. Our landlord messaged me and that’s how I found out.

I feel like I’m more responsible with money, but he doesn’t let me help. I’ve talked to him about it and he says he’s sorry and admits that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He claims he’s just busy.

We both work and there should be no reason we are paying our bills late. We have been working on rebuilding trust that was damaged by our past issues, but it feels like the small amount I have is slipping away now. Please give me an outside perspective. My family is not Christian, but they think I should divorce him. We have six kids together and I want to make this work. But if things go back to the way they were in the past, I don’t think I could handle that again. Thank you!

Response: Thank you for reaching out with your question. It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot over the years, and that even though it’s not 100% perfect, you’re in a better place now than you once were. I want to commend you for that, and for sticking to your commitment to your husband in spite of how difficult it has been. Divorces are terrible, and especially so when you have children, as you two do. My recommendation to you would be to seek Christian counseling right away. A counselor will be able to mediate these conflicts between you and your spouse, and help improve overall communication in your marriage. Therapy and honest communication can solve so many problems. I pray that you can both consider this option. Here is a link to find someone near you: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/christian. If it isn’t feasible for you at the moment, asking to meet with your pastor for a couple’s counseling session is a great option as well.  

It takes a lot to build and maintain trust in a marriage. You are certainly not alone in struggling in these areas. I want to validate what you are feeling. It sounds like from what you’ve told me that your husband is being overly controlling. It is 100% inappropriate for him to control accounts that are in your name without allowing you access to them as well. This is not normal, healthy, or even legal – even though you are married. I don’t know the full details of your financial situation, but it sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders. I don’t know why it is that your husband feels the need to manage everything so closely and doesn’t allow you to be involved, but this is absolutely something that you need to discuss.

While I know the money topic is weighing heavily on you right now, it sounds to me like it is just a symptom of the larger issue here – a lack of healthy communication. The reason I say this is that you’ve mentioned that your husband avoids communicating with you even about basic things like his work schedule. I strongly encourage you to talk openly together, lift your marriage up in prayer, and seek professional counseling that can help you work through these issues and on to a better stage in your marriage.

All the love,

G2G Mentor