What's Wrong with Me?

Question: Ever since I developed anxiety when I was 12 I’ve struggled with expressing any of my struggles. I have never talked to a human being about my pains. I have a therapist but I seem to never be able to scratch the surface of my deeper doubts and fears. My dad was diagnosed with cancer over a year and half ago. He's probably going to die 4 years from now. He's got a 25% chance of making it and a bad heart valve. I've never told that to anyone. I've never told anyone how that affects me. How I've cried about at least once a week since I accidentally found out when I overheard my mom on the phone. My siblings don't know and I feel guilty for not telling them. I feel more guilty for going to college.I can't even be around my dad because of COVID and I went through a scare when I thought I had COVID and had given it to my dad. I thought I had killed my dad- well killed him early. So i'm scared to even be around him and torn up to be away. I feel guilty for being an expense. My parents wont get to retire before my dad's evident death. I exhaust myself with the guilt of knowing he’ll work away the last few years of his life at a job he's hated since before I was born. I desperately want them to be happy and to have the dream they’ve wanted for years. Id give up everything. I've never told anyone that my dad almost died on my birthday. How I spent my 17th birthday in a ICU with a man I could barely distinguish as my father because he was so drugged and was hallucinating and could barley move and barely talk. He would fall asleep between sentences. I never talked to anyone about the pain I was going through when he was in the hospital. I took on as much responsibility as I could but I also ignored my feelings. At school no one knew what was happening. Even my few friends who knew my dad had cancer and was in the hospital, never asked about him or asked how I was doing. And I never talked about it. I couldn't cry around my dad and only found myself crying around my mom a grand total of 3 times because I literally had no control. I've always cried and felt pain in solitude. And even though I have a loving family, great friends and literally the best therapist ever (who I can talk to about just about anything else) I just never can talk about these pains. I can never talk about what really haunts me. Why? I always think I’ll explode holding it all in. I want to scream because the one thing I've wanted for years was to talk out loud to someone about these pains. My therapy is ending soon. It's too expensive and I couldn't live with myself being more of a burden. I'm so close to being happy. But I just can't talk about these last few pains. Please help. I can't live holding in all these emotions.

Response: First of all, I want you to hear me and believe me when I say there is nothing wrong with you at all. You are beautiful, loved, and chosen. You are a daughter of the King and your reactions to this situation are just that – your reactions. Each and every one of us process pain and grief differently, and there is no right or wrong way. The best we can do is keep it productive – keep it moving forward and progressing. It sounds like you’ve hit a bit of a wall and aren’t sure what to do next. I’m so glad that you decided to write in here. This is a safe space, and I hear you, I see you, and I am here for you. You are not alone in this.

I hear you saying that you don’t feel like you can talk to your therapist about this. That’s okay. Let’s start somewhere else. I’m glad you have such a good relationship with that person, and I’m sorry to hear that because of finances you aren’t able to continue therapy. I want to encourage you to make the best use of whatever remaining sessions you have, and talk about anything and everything that you feel like you can. If this stuff you are going through with your dad, and the guilt of being unable to tell your siblings about his condition isn’t on the list of things you feel like you can talk about, then don’t. Let’s start smaller. You’ve already reached out here and shared all this with me, which is a great first step. Usually when people have something to say but don’t feel ready to verbally say it, I suggest that they write or type it out. I bet you felt at least a little relief after just getting some of this off your chest. Telling someone, anyone at all, what you are going through. I encourage you to do even more than you have done. Get a notebook or your laptop and just start writing. Write about the pain, the sadness, but then also write about all the good times with your dad – the happy memories. Write about the struggle with yourself on whether or not to tell your siblings about things, and then write out what would happen if you did, vs. what would happen if you didn’t. Decide if it would help or hurt to tell them, and then go from there. Write out the story of what happened with your dad in the hospital when you were 17. Write about the hurt, the pain, and how far you’ve come since then. Write about your college experience. Write about your friends. Write a letter to one of them, telling them about what you’ve been going through. They never have to see it unless you decide to share, but the simple act of writing all these things out will help you process what you are feeling.

It’s actually very normal to feel like you can’t talk about big things like this. You are not weird for being unable to talk about it just yet. Your mind and heart are still processing what’s going on – and that takes as long as it takes. You can help yourself in the processing of all this by writing out some of the things I mentioned above. Once you’ve written it all out enough times, your brain starts to normalize the information, and it makes it easier to eventually share with a real person, face-to-face. Keep in mind that this doesn’t have to be a friend or anyone you are personally close to. This can be a pastor, a school counselor, a teacher, or some brand new acquaintance. Sometimes it’s actually much easier to share these heavy things with someone who you don’t know as well. There is the sense of anonymity and not having any relationship to lose or damage that makes it easier to share. If you’ve been going to your therapist for a while now, it might even feel like that relationship is “too close” a person to share this with. Believe me, this is all normal.

I want to close by telling you again how loved and special you are, and how sorry I am that you are going through this horrible situation. There is no telling what will happen in the future, but I know that right now it seems pretty bleak. I want to encourage you that above all else, your heavenly Father loves and cares for you. He is reaching out His hand, asking you to grab on because He sees how much you’re struggling, and how high the waters feel like they’re rising around you. Don’t let yourself explode, dear friend. Grab a hold of His hand, make use of some of these ideas and strategies we talked about to further process what you’re going through and make forward progress, and never, ever believe the lie that you are alone.

Already, more prayers are going up for you than you can possibly imagine.

All the love to you and your family,

G2G Mentor