How Can I Understand My Emotions?
Question: Why are emotions so hard to understand, and why can’t I really express my feelings?
Response: So many people struggle with knowing what their emotional reactions to things mean, and how to best process them. Expressing the way we feel has been a centuries old struggle that people have dealt with all the way back to Bible times. You are certainly not alone in feeling a little lost in all of this, and I’m glad that you’ve decided to reach out and ask this question here.
The absolute best way to understand emotions is to be a bit removed from them. This can be hard when dealing with your own emotional response to things, but sometimes information is the missing piece to help you really begin to master your emotions from this removed point of view. The fact is that emotions are what our bodies feel as a result of our brains processing certain pieces of information. Things like our surrounding geography, events occurring around us, the temperature in the room, our physical health or illness, our thoughts, feelings, desires, and behaviors, all play a part in determining how our brain will “tell us” to feel. Whatever conclusion our brain reaches based on a given set of input/stimuli, is transmitted to our body and we “feel” it as emotions like anger, joy, sadness, or peace. Once you realize that emotions are just a physical response to the world around us, it is important to also contextualize them in light of your past experiences. For example: two people could witness news coverage of a tornado and have completely different responses. The input was the same, so why would the output be so different? It’s all about the context. When person A sees the news coverage of a tornado, they are transported back to being a young child and learning that their aunt had been killed in the path of a violent storm. They are remembering all that pain and loss, and so their emotional response to that news coverage might be anger and sadness, even fear. Person B grew up far away from anywhere affected by tornadoes and just thinks they are interesting natural phenomenon. Person B’s response, when taken in context of their history, past experience, and who they are, could be intrigue, and desire to “look closer.” Neither is wrong, they are just different.
Emotions are a lot like this. We are sometimes under the misconception that there is a “right” and “wrong” way to feel about certain things. We spend a lot of time analyzing why we feel a certain way about something only to realize that it stems from some early childhood experience or some past event that has helped to shape who we are and therefore how we feel. The fact is that each person’s emotions are decided based on their own personal past, present, and perspective on the future. There is no right or wrong way to feel about something, so try not to compare yourself with others. Instead, when you begin to feel a strong emotion of some kind, think to yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” or “Why did I react like that?” Trace it all the way back, being as honest as you can with yourself about what is causing your reaction – what is at the root of your response. You’ll likely gain valuable insight into who you are, why you think the way you do, and consequently, what triggers certain emotional responses in you. From there you can begin to be intentional about either accepting your emotional reactions/responses to things as they are, or working to make them closer to what you want them to be. Processing past events, and reflecting on how they are impacting your present and therefore your future is a noble task and one that is well worth your time.
Understanding your own emotions, and then knowing how to communicate them and express them accurately to the people around you go hand in hand. You are likely struggling with expressing yourself well because of the fact that you still have some self-reflection to do in order to fully understand your emotional response to things. Once you’ve gotten a better handle on why you feel the things/ways you do, you’ll be easily able to communicate your feelings to others using just a few key tools for effective communication:
1. Speak honestly, and without a lot of “fluff words.” Say what you mean and mean what you say.
2. Use “I” statements rather than “you.” Example: “I feel hurt when that kind of language gets used” as opposed to “You hurt my feelings with what you said.” This will help keep people level-headed, and will keep them from becoming defensive as you converse with them.
3. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself from conversations when your emotions are too strong, and come back to them with an even-temper. There is no weakness in this. A level-head will be key in you being able to compose your thoughts well and be understood.
Above all else, know that you are not alone in trying to decipher your emotions and communicate them to others. Over the centuries of history, people have been constantly seeking ways to express the way they feel. Some went to war or turned to violence, others wrote poetry and songs, others danced, others buried themselves in tasks to avoid confronting their feelings, and still others turned to God for clarity and advice. Be like those people – turn to your heavenly Father who loves you, knows your heart, and can help you as you strive to master your emotions.
Prayers and Love,
G2G Mentor
