My Boyfriend's Mental Illness is Taking a Toll on Both of Us
Message: I’m a 16 year old in a Christian private school. I've been traveling a lot since I was young so I never stick to one place for long. I have this friend I met way back in 6th grade, although he's not a Christian we still got along with religious views and such. When I moved again we still kept in touch growing in our relationship. He asked me out in 9th grade, we've been dating for 3 years straight. We've been really close always helping each other out. He has a lot of mental and emotional problems, his family is very abusive but he still holds strong. Very smart and loves building computers and creating networks. Well recently he moved to his dads house and out of his abusive moms house. He has trouble with smoking, marijuana, vaping, its because his mother lets him do that and does drugs in front of him. Anyway his dad is a decent guy, really helpful, though recently my boyfriend has been really distant and stressing out because of the new school and his mental illnesses. I've always helped him through it and supported him but he told me in the beginning of the month he needed an indefinite amount of time to solve his problems. We barely talk now, one day he'll say hi then leave for the next week. I’m stressing out and worrying whats happening, I don’t know what to do and its hurting me. He said he’s doubting this relationship but still loves me and wants to be together but he’s non existent. Especially with us having an online relationship since I moved. I've been faithful to him and he is basically the only person i talk to. I’m scared I’m losing my best friend. I don’t want to say anything wrong though I’m afraid he might even hurt himself or get depression. I've been crying a lot, feeling unmotivated. I really loved him, I want what’s best for him but this is too much. It’s been a month since we had any normal conversations. We were supposed to meet on Thanksgiving but he hasn’t texted me back or called. I’m so afraid he might be doing something horrible or not doing anything at all to help himself. I just don’t know what to do, I love him but the way he’s solving things is hurting me and himself. I don’t want to break up with him during this period because he might try to do something bad. I really don’t know what to do.
Response: Thank you so much for your message. First of all, I have to commend you for being such a good friend and girlfriend. It sounds like you truly care about him since even in all this, and with all the pain that his distance is causing you, you are still looking out for him and thinking about how your actions might impact his mental health. You are mature far beyond your years, my dear, and a truly kind-hearted soul.
Keep in mind that although you love your boyfriend and you are invested in your relationship, you are not responsible for your boyfriend’s mental health. No one can take responsibility for what goes on in another person’s mind. You can do your best to be everything that someone needs, but sometimes it’s better to step back and let God do a work in the person that you cannot. Relationships are meant to include three people: you, your partner, and God. God is the only one capable of bearing the burden of another person’s being, and you will find that if He is not present in your relationship, you will inevitably struggle.
It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety, and some deep heartache because of the relationship, and that’s not good for you. It’s important that you are able to maintain your mental and emotional well-being. There is give and take in any healthy relationship, but if you’re doing all the giving, and your boyfriend is doing all the taking, that isn’t healthy. If this relationship is not a healthy one, it is not what God wants for you. I know you said that your boyfriend is not a Christian, and you’ll have to forgive me for speaking bluntly here, but I honestly believe that God has his eye on someone perfect for you, and that person will be open to knowing God and having Him in your relationship and someday your marriage. If your boyfriend is not that person, then I don’t believe he is who God has picked out for you.
It is so hard sometimes to determine the difference between being a Godly witness to someone, and being in a relationship in which you are unequally yoked with your partner. It is always best to ask for God’s guidance in situations that are beyond our knowledge and control – your boyfriend’s mental, emotional, and spiritual health. It sounds like he has been through a lot, and you are wise to want to act carefully so as to avoid doing any damage.
Some next steps:
1.Pray. Seriously, pray so hard for God’s leading. I’d hate for you to throw something away because of a misunderstanding, but if there is no communication, there is no relationship.
2. List. Write down your minimum needs/standards. This goes for anything, not just communication. Don’t be demanding, just state what you know you need to be able to feel right about pursuing or continuing a romantic relationship. This can help you know whether it’s a good match with your boyfriend, or if you two would be better as friends.
3. Inform. If you haven’t specifically let your person know what you need to be happy, do so. Do it super-sweetly. You might be in a place because of everything your boyfriend is going through, where you don’t feel like you have the right to ask for anything, but if it’s bothering you, then you have to bring it up.
4. Be Specific. CLEARLY ask for what you want and need. (It really means a lot when we talk regularly. I miss you. I understand if you need space and time, but can we at least talk as friends once in a while? You’re my best friend and I really miss the time we used to spend together.)
Please know that I’m praying for you. Doing what’s best takes some bravery! Know that God has your life worked out, and after you’ve prayed about it, rest easy knowing that you’re acting according to His guidance.
