My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to be Baptized

Message: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. I grew up in a church believing in God but lost my way as I started college. My boyfriend did not grow up in church but was always curious to get involved in religion. He said he just needed some sort of help to get there. For the last 3 1/2 years he has been attending church with me and growing a lot in his faith and I have rekindled my flame for living a God centered life. However, he still has not accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior or gotten baptized. He believes in God and what he can do, but something is holding him back from fully committing. As we continue on into our relationship, we are becoming more ready for marriage. However, I have made it clear to him my expectations for a husband. I want someone who is able to lead me as God intends us to live and be able to live fully for Him. I really love this man and am willing to wait for him to get to this stage in his walk with Christ. However, I feel torn. The Christian love stories I hear about are always with two people already fully immersed in God and everyone says that’s what God plans for people. Yet, I feel like God put this man and I together so we can push ourselves to become better Christians and be life partners. And we have both grown a lot in our walls with God over the years being together. But this just doesn’t add up to the typical love story I hear about and it makes me wonder if this is really what God intended for me. I just need an outside Christian opinion on how I should be viewing this situation according to God’s word.

Response: First I’d like to say I am very happy that you have returned to the church. I completely understand being drawn away during college as I too stumbled during my university days. But God is good and always calls His sheep home. I’d also like to say how happy I am that your boyfriend is interested in knowing this great God that we love and serve. The fact that he is attending church, studying scripture, and trying to find the Lord means he has a genuine heart for knowing Him and is not moving out of pressure. However, I understand that you two have been dating for a while and you want him to be fully committed to the Lord by professing his faith through baptism. Something you wrote struck me, “I want someone who is able to lead me as God intends us to live and be able to live fully for Him.” It sounds like you are saying if you’re boyfriend is baptized, he will be able to lead you as God intends and be able to live fully for the Lord. Although baptism is important (1 Peter 3.21), baptism does not change you. When we are baptized by water, we symbolically go to the grave with Christ (Colossians 2.12) and come out of the water new. But if the heart has not been changed, baptism won’t make the person come up from the water with a heart for Christ. When we are baptized with the Holy Spirit by the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, it is this power that changes us (Luke 3.16). Why is this distinction between baptism by water and baptism by the Holy Spirit important? There are two reasons. 1: We are not saved by works but by grace. We can never say “I am saved because I was baptized and therefore I deserve it” or “I am saved because I am the perfect husband, father, and leader in my church and therefore I deserve it.” God was so great in His plan for salvation that He completed it without the help of mankind. That’s why Paul asks us where does boasting fit in to our salvation? We cannot boast because we have not been saved by anything we have done. We are saved only by our faith in Jesus Christ. (Romans 3.27). Therefore, when you are thinking about marriage and becoming one with your boyfriend, ask him if he has faith in Jesus Christ. Baptism is the symbol of that faith but faith comes first. This leads to the second reason why the distinction between baptism by water and baptism of the Holy Spirit is important 2: There are no perfect people. Your boyfriend will never be the “perfect” man. BUT, with faith in Jesus Christ, he will be changed daily by the power of the Holy Spirit to become more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4.22-24). If you want a husband who will lead you as God intended, you want a man who has a personal relationship with the Lord and leans on the Lord for wisdom, guidance, discernment, and strength to be the priest over his home. This is much deeper than just having been baptized. Your future husband will continue to become more and more like Christ through a relationship with Him.

Now I don’t say all this to disregard baptism. You mentioned that there is something holding him back from making that full commitment. I advise that you start here. Why do you think he is hesitant? Tease out the reason for his hesitance and support him in any doubts. Because you’ve been a Christian longer, perhaps you might be able to have some Bible studies with him to provide more context on the subjects he might have doubts about. In addition, try to gauge if he is developing a relationship with the Lord. Does he believe Jesus Christ is his personal Savior who went all the way to the cross on Calvary specifically for him? Does He believe that belief in Jesus Christ sets him free from death and the grave? Does he believe that nothing he has done in the past, is doing in the present, or will do in the future will stop God from loving him? Does he believe that with the power of the Holy Spirit, he is no longer under the power of sin and he is saved by his faith in the blood of Christ and not by any works in obedience to any law? Knowing about God is one thing but knowing the Lord on a personal level is another. In building a relationship with the Lord, he can confirm these things over his life. I am happy to hear that he is attending church services but you might want to encourage him to get involved in group studies (this way, you can focus on specific topics) and get involved in a ministry (this way, he can pour back the love Jesus Christ has for him on the community by being the hands and feet of Christ). I’ve always read that new believers need the most attention as we don’t want to teach about the Lord and then leave them to figure out life as a Christian on their own.

Earlier I said there is a distinction between baptism by water and baptism by the Holy Spirit. When your boyfriend has a relationship with the Lord, has put his faith in Him, and has accepted Him as his Lord and Savior, he will receive the Holy Spirit from the Lord (baptism by the Holy Spirit) and when he is baptized by water, this symbolic ceremony will be a testimony to his faith and commitment to the Lord. You are not engaged yet so as you continue having discussions about marriage, I encourage you to continue praying for your boyfriend, continue supporting him, and pray that he won’t just learn about the Lord but will get to know the Lord personally. And don’t be worried about the typical love stories that you hear about. Let your story be your love story! (1 Corinthians 7.16).