Our Physical Relationship Went Too Far

Message: Hi. This is really embarrassing and I do not know who to talk to about this because my friends and my parents would get mad if I told them about this. Anyway, I’m a senior high school girl and I’m dating this really sweet guy who is also a senior. When we have been kissing things have started to progress like he will touch me in various places and I haven’t reciprocated any of it, but the other day he put my hand on his crotch. This caught me really by surprise. He said that if I was ever uncomfortable to let him know but I was so shocked I didn’t say anything. Then again today he did the same thing except this time he pulled his pants down and put my hand on his penis. I had no idea what to do and he took my hand and started moving it on it and then after a bit he put it near my face and I put it in my mouth and performed oral sex. I feel absolutely horrible and disgusting and I really don’t know what to do. I really really like him but I feel really uncomfortable and I feel really pressured to do these things. I don’t know what to do or how to talk to him about this especially since I’ve performed oral sex on him he’s gonna expect more from me. Any advice would really help, thank you.

Response: Thank you for being so open about this, and for reaching out to share your situation. Please know that you are not alone. This is something that many young women struggle with, and it is a very difficult situation to navigate. Relationships are hard, and the choices we make can impact them and change them forever. But your relationship is not necessarily doomed just because you went too far one time.

There are three main things in your message that stood out to me: (1) you are feeling badly about yourself and guilty for moving to this stage of the relationship before marriage; (2) you are feeling pressured into continuing to move forward with your boyfriend sexually, especially now that a precedent has been set since you’ve performed oral sex on him; and (3), you really like him and don’t want to lose him, but you know that a conversation needs to happen in which you can establish clear physical boundaries for your relationship.

First off, please know that you are in no way horrible or disgusting in God’s eyes. Choosing to be intimate with your boyfriend hasn’t changed how God feels about you. Intimacy outside of marriage isn’t what God wants for you, but He forgives. Keep reminding yourself: God is crazy about you!

Second, stopping may be hard, but it is not impossible. I know you feel as though since you’ve performed oral sex once, your boyfriend will expect you to keep doing it, and even move further into the types of sexual intimacy that God only designed for you to experience once you are married. I would encourage you to not cave to any pressure. This is easier said than done, but I believe in you. Don’t give up on God’s plan for your relationship, and don’t stop praying. He hasn’t given up on you. It is possible to stop.

Finally, I can understand your fear about approaching the conversation with your boyfriend. You like him, and you are worried that he will think you are inconsistent for wanting to stop doing something you’ve already done, or worse, he’ll think you don’t care about him, or that you are otherwise uninterested in him. When you talk to him, reassure him that these things are not the case. Clearly tell him that you no longer want to have sex, oral or otherwise. Explain that you really care about him, and that it would just make you more comfortable if you waited to experience that part of the relationship until marriage. If your friend pushes you to be intimate, or doesn’t respect what you want, then you may need to take a break and give each other some space to think about whether or not you are a good match. This is a part of the relationship that you will need to be on the same page about. I know that taking that space will be hard. But keep in mind that someone who truly loves you and who is God’s match for you will respect you and want what’s best for you. If they don’t, you need to consider that they may be using you and don’t truly care about your heart.

Once you do have the conversation with your boyfriend, and if you both decide to reserve any and all sexual intimacy for the marriage relationship, it will be important to set clear guidelines for yourselves moving forward to help you avoid falling into the same temptation as before. Take steps to protect yourself from the situations that lead to having sex. Spend time together where sex isn’t an option—don’t be alone together. Rebuild your relationship by doing fun things together with other friends. It may help to find someone you can be accountable to—a friend who will listen, not judge, but who will ask you how things are going and be a person you can call and talk to when you find yourself wanting to cross that line or give up. Choose a friend who will pray for you and with you about it.

I want to encourage you to not let the devil discourage you with guilt. He may tempt you to believe that because you crossed that line with your boyfriend, that’s it for you—you’re no longer pure or good enough. He is a liar and would love to keep you from living the life God has created you to live. He knows that if you trust God, even in this—believing God has already forgiven you and is giving you a new start—God will do amazing things in your life and through you. So every time the devil starts tempting you to beat yourself up or feel unworthy or hopeless, start praying. Memorize a couple of scripture verses that remind you of what God thinks about you and says about you.

I’m really proud of you for reaching out and am praying for you. I promise you that God will help you with this. He wants to help you. He loves you, and He believes in you.