I Feel Like Too Much is Expected of Me

Question: I need advice: I’m staying with my mother in law who is healthy. My father in law died . After he passed, I was cooking all the meals for her. I left for 1 week and came back. She survived. I’ll be staying with her a whole month until my husband and I find a home in this area.

I am resentful of being expected to cook every meal. So I bought my own groceries while she was out. I don’t mind cooking occasionally, but I don’t want it to be expected. I also don’t know if I should cook the meals we share together out of out of the food I bought for myself or if I should just use hers. Also she expects me to go to her church and drink wine with her.

I’m just trying to create boundaries. I can’t live for her. I need to have my own life here.

I did do some productive things: found a job, joined a gym, found another church to attend. I’ve also got my laptop here, so I can go to coffee shops and work on my book.

I just need advice about meals . I don’t want her to think just because I’m making a meal that I want to eat together.

I’m also so very very selfish I feel.

Response: Thank you for reaching out with your question. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this tension right now in your relationship with your mother-in-law. I can tell that you are craving some boundaries, some independence, some definition of your relationship with her and the expectations she holds for you both. You are not wrong for wanting these things. It is extremely common for there to be moments like this in our journey, and even more common for them to occur with in-laws. You are not alone in wondering how to navigate this, and I’ll do my best to provide some helpful feedback and tips on how to get your relationship to a healthy place.

It makes total sense that there would be some additional kindness and help offered right after your father-in-law passed away. Mourning that loss while simultaneously welcoming you and your husband into her home has likely turned her world completely on its head. Believe it or not, she may be feeling some of the same things you are. She is probably craving some sense of normalcy, of how things were. She’s probably wondering how to set healthy boundaries, while also longing for the companionship and love she just lost in her spouse.

I think I hear you saying that you are feeling trapped or forced into being this person for her, meeting those needs. This is not okay and you are right for addressing it. The key to all of this is open and honest communication. Like you said, you don’t mind cooking the meals, eating together, spending time with her, SOME of the time. But it’s also important to have some time just to be your own person, and do the things that “fill your cup.” You also should not feel compelled to do things that violate your standards for yourself or the boundaries you’ve put in place, like drinking wine with her or going to her church. If these aren’t things you’re open to doing, you can and should communicate this to her.

I know that sometimes the dynamic can be tricky with in-laws because they aren’t your parents, but you’re kind of expected to adopt them as such. So perhaps it would be good to get your husband’s take on things. He knows her well, and could help give you some tips on how to frame a conversation with her so that the things you have to say will be heard, not hurtful, and well-received.

When you do sit down with her, try not to overthink things or become too defensive/resentful in the way you communicate. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and go in with an open mind, not presuming that she is trying to take advantage or mistreat you. Keep in mind that there are possibly some unspoken expectations on both sides of this. It’s hard to say without knowing her personally, but some people in this situation might be “expecting” whoever is staying in their home with them to “repay” that kindness in a sense, by cooking, cleaning, buying groceries. Maybe your expectation was/is that you would help her for a bit with these things after her husband passed, but that she would then take over again, or you’d each cook for yourselves. It’s possible that because you began doing these things with her after he died, she thinks you enjoy them and so now feels compelled for things to continue as they are just because she thinks it’s what you want. It’s also entirely possible that she is still very much feeling the loss of her husband, her person, and is just looking for companionship. Maybe meal times were a special time they used to always spend together, and so eating alone is particularly hard for her right now. Same thing with going to church. It’s possible these were some of the things that she and her husband would do together, and that now that he’s gone, she’s just naturally trying to fill that void. You are not obligated to do these things with her, to meet that need, to fill that void. It’s just important to keep in mind when you do speak with her that these could be some of the driving factors behind her behavior. Not that she’s trying to take advantage of you or your kindness, or be malicious, but maybe just trying to find/define what her “new normal” looks like now.

There are so many possibilities for misunderstanding, misinterpretation, and confusion when things aren’t out-rightly stated. I think you’re on the right track by feeling like this needs to be addressed. It is a slippery slope once you begin resenting your in-laws. This “bad blood” between the two of you can poison your relationship with her, and invade your marriage. Tensions are often based in misunderstandings or misinterpretation of intentions, and are frequently resolved by just having the hard/uncomfortable conversations, so I encourage you to prioritize this. You both deserve to live in an environment that allows you to feel happy, fulfilled, and connected. And it’s okay if that looks different to each of you. People tend to project themselves on others. It’s important for each or you to keep in mind that the other person doesn’t think, love, or feel in the same ways as you. Their actions, if they were your own, could/would mean something totally different. They might be coming from an angle you haven’t thought of yet, so keeping an open mind and not assigning blame or motive to others without hearing them out first is very important. The key to moving forward in your situation is talking it out, and figuring out how to establish healthy boundaries/norms so that you can co-exist.

I want to address one last thing, and that is the fact that you’re feeling selfish and wrong for feeling the way you do. It’s important in moments like these to “embrace the AND”. You are craving some space and freedom, release from these obligations to “take care of her,” AND you love and appreciate her. You enjoy cooking and eating your own meals, sometimes without her, AND you enjoy her company. The concept that two seemingly opposing things cannot simultaneously be true is often the source of the guilt/shame we feel. You are a good, kind, giving person, AND you have needs, wants, opinions of your own that deserve to be prioritized. This does not mean you are being selfish. You have a right to exist, to be happy, to take up space. You can hold this space for your own needs AND be kind and generous.

Hope this helps. I’m sending all the prayers your way, friend!

G2G Mentor