I'm Living a Double Life
Message: I need help. I know that masturbation is wrong, and I feel horribly guilty about it. Yet I've been struggling with this for over a year now and still give into the temptation. I want to be done with this, permanently, but I don't know how. The very longest I've stayed "clean" has only been a month or two, and now it seems like I'm back to square one. In general my mental health has been gradually declining over the last half a year or so. I've lost my fire for God that I once had, I'm very stressed over my workload at school, I don't sleep enough, I don't exercise enough, and I feel horrible about this "double life" I'm living. I used to be such an innocent "goody two shoes" of a girl, and now people continue to see me that way. Everyone thinks I'm such a good kid, and I hate to disappoint them but I'm not! I've become miserable, fighting to stay on top of things and all the while being held captive by this sin. I had improved so much in following Jesus. I loved Him first and foremost. But now I'm just slipping back into old habits and I don't know how to ask for help.
Response: The real secret to overcoming this addition is understanding that you can make it. God has your back. It may be challenging, but challenging doesn't mean impossible. By God’s grace we can work through this and get to the root of it all. When you feel tempted, pray and ask God to remove the temptation, and then put your energy into something positive. Go for a walk, do a puzzle, read a book, call a friend.
Masturbation, just like alcohol and drugs, can become an addiction. Addictions need prayer and special attention to uncover. Understand that counseling is a healthy tool that the Lord works through to help us heal and help others down the road to heal too. You can find a list of counselors here: http://www.adventistfamilyministries.com/article/70/resources/directory-of-counselors.
Be encouraged. You are doing a good thing by praying consistently on it, seeking wise council, and being on a process towards healthy habits. I'm proud of your decision to make steps towards being freed from this addiction.
Regarding the guilt over feeling like you’re leading this “double life,” I want to encourage you that no one is perfect, and no sin is better or worse than another sin. Sin is sin. You never were perfect, even before you struggled with this addiction, so that image that you had of yourself or that you think other people held of you is based in something untrue. You don’t have to feel guilty for not being perfect. The Bible tells us that God’s perfect love covers all of our sins, He has washed us clean. This “blank slate,” and chance to begin again is given to us freely, and is available as many times as we need. It is human to falter, it is human to be tempted. It is important to not let yourself get so entrenched in guilt that you defeat any forward progress you make towards overcoming this addiction, towards getting closer with God again, towards reclaiming the “you” you want to be.
Please believe and take comfort in knowing that God has already forgiven you! He forgave you well before you even realized you had done something worth asking forgiveness for - that's what the cross was all about. That's the amazing thing about God - there is nothing you can do or not do that will make Him love you any more or less than He always has. His love is UNCONDITIONAL, in every sense of the word. Repentance takes you far in that it helps YOU feel the peace you need to build on your relationship with God. But the repentance itself does not make Him love you more - His love for you is always at full capacity. What you have done in your past is of little consequence to Him, except if you allow the past to hold back your acceptance of the relationship He so desperately wants to have with you. He has forgiven you. When God asks us to lay down our burdens, it’s because He knows that if we do not completely let go of them, the guilt and shame attached with them will be painful and keep us from building on our relationship with Him. Shame and guilt make us look so intently inward that it is difficult to look up and forward while we are still hanging onto the memories that tie us so tightly to those painful emotions.
I am confident in saying that you are a good person. The mere fact that you reached out to talk about this is evidence of the goodness in your heart. Don't let your struggles, your addiction, your sin make you question your value. Learn from your mistakes and grow from them, but don’t let them keep you from moving forward in your relationship with God. The great God of the universe values you, and is aggressively seeking to be your friend. Don't let the guilt you feel keep you from walking into His open arms - because His arms are open despite what mistakes you make. "Nothing can separate you from God's love." - Romans 8:39
Much love,
G2G
