How Can I Break the Cycle?
Message: When I was a junior in high school, me and my girlfriend at the time got engaged. I loved her so much and gave her everything. I though everything was fine and going ok. Then around Christmas I found out she cheated on me with her ex. I was very mad, and got very upset. I told her it’s him or me, and she couldn’t choose. So I broke up with her. Through all this, she said she loved him, and so I helped her get back with him because in my mind back then, I figured if I can’t be happy I at least want her to be happy. So I did that. They got back together, but it didn’t last. Every time I saw her in school I just got mad and angry. I help it in sometimes, but other times I would hit the wall because she would say it was my fault and I believed it. Well, fast forward to now, and I don’t know what it is but it’s hard for me to keep a girlfriend. Not because they don’t want to be with me, but because I just kinda get scared and break up. I want to fix this but I don’t know what to do.
Response: I am so glad you had the courage to write in with your question. Many people struggle with relationship issues, especially at this stage in life. Relationships are hard to navigate! And throw into that the fact that as young people, we are still figuring out who we are and what we want out of life, and you’ve got the potential for a real mess. It would be nice if relationships followed a nice formula: girl meets boy, girl and boy like each other, girl and boy fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, the real world doesn’t totally buy into that formula as you have found out. Finding love and happiness can be hard, and sometimes we carry scars and baggage with us from one relationship into the next which can make it even harder – it sounds like that is what’s happening with you. Luckily, God is in control of our lives if we let Him be, and He has promised that He has a hope and a future in store for us that is brighter than we can imagine.
I am sorry to hear things in the past went wrong with your ex-girlfriend. It has to be hard to see someone you love and invest your time and energy into cheat and throw it all away for someone else. The Bible speaks about being in an unequally yoked relationship and it sounds like this one was one of those situations. To me, it sounds like you were there for her 100% but for some reason she did not reciprocate that. The Bible tells us that God can work all things together for good, for those who love Him. This means that even terrible situations like what happened between the two of you can be turned into an opportunity for growth if you’re open to it. It was very noble of you and honorable to still want her to be happy and I applaud you for that. It takes a big and loving heart to be able to do that for someone who hurt you. This was your first sign of growth. Knowing what you will and will not falter on in a relationship and knowing that it is important to still care for the other person no matter how they treat you is a big sign of maturity and shows your capacity for love. It sounds like seeing her still not end up with the other guy, not end up happy, was a very frustrating thing for you, and maybe you’re reminded of that when you see her. It’s important to know that while we can do our best to help other people find happiness, we are not truly capable of creating happiness for someone else. Yes, you can care for them, but you cannot make their choices for them, and therefore you are not responsible for their happiness, only they can be in charge of that.
Now let’s talk more about you. It can be hard to discern what makes you happy in the moment vs. what can make you happy for a lifetime. I know that getting engaged was a huge moment for you, and you were sure at the time that you would end up with your ex. I want you to know that it is extremely common for people to get engaged and then find out sometime before the wedding that either one or both of them aren’t happy, and so they break it off. People don’t talk about this much, which makes it very hard to process when it happens to you personally. But the truth is that it does happen, especially when people get engaged quickly or at a young age. There are a few things I want to state clearly:
1. It’s possible to love someone deeply and not end up marrying them. This is not always a mistake or a missed chance at love/happiness. If you realize at some point that you aren’t happy, you shouldn’t spend your lives together in misery just because you thought at one point that you’d end up together and you “decided” it already. There is no shame in splitting up before you are married. Dating and engagement times exist for exactly this reason.
2. Just because it didn’t work out with your ex doesn’t mean that you did something wrong. There is a period of time that usually happens during the dating phase, but for some it happens during engagement, when you are getting to know yourselves individually and as a couple. You develop a rhythm, and you establish patterns of behavior, communication, and interaction based on who you are as individuals and how you can mesh those two personalities into a relationship. As long as you are being true to yourselves during this time, being genuine, and honest with the other person, you have nothing to apologize for or feel guilty about. It is very common to initially feel chemistry and connection with someone, only to later find out that you don’t really mesh all that well together. When it doesn’t work out between you and your significant other, it’s not necessarily because you did something wrong. Sometimes we simply aren’t meant to be with that other person. Finding that out sooner rather than later is a blessing in disguise. It hurts to break up, no matter when it happens, but it’s a whole lot easier to disconnect from someone you’ve dated for a few weeks or months than someone who you’ve invested a huge part of your life in. Keep being honest in your relationships, keep being yourself. The right person will come along and it won’t feel like work to be in a relationship with them.
3. Sometimes talking it out with someone who has more knowledge or experience in the area can help. It sounds like you’re dealing with some serious trauma, doubt, baggage, and burdens from your relationship with your ex. To the point event that it’s affecting your current relationships. I would strongly recommend that you talk to a pastor, counselor, or therapist about what happened and that you try to get some closure on the situation. You need to get to a healthy place before you get into a new relationship, otherwise (as you’ve discovered) you’ll bring all your old baggage into that new relationship and doom it to failure. Here is a link to find a Christian counselor near you: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/christian. It’s normal to go through things like this when you suffer a traumatic breakup. There is healing and hope for you. You won’t be alone forever, and all your relationships won’t fail. You just need to connect with the right person who can help you process what you went through.
4. There’s always room for growth. This goes hand-in-hand with seeing a counselor, but there is always something that we can learn from experiences like this one. Sit down and try to make a list of 5 things that were positive about your relationship, and 5 things that were negative. Are those negative things something that you can work to avoid in relationships going forward? A counselor who specializes in relationships will have even more ideas for you on how to glean some growth opportunities from this experience. I encourage you to ask about that when you talk with them.
5. Get to know yourself. Relationships are between two individuals, and until you know what you bring to the table, you won’t be able to be successful in giving your heart to someone. Getting to know yourself and growing a strong relationship with God is very important in establishing who you are. When you know and love yourself and appreciate the amazing things that God has done for you in your life, then finding someone else to share these things with will be easier. Sometimes we get the “cart before the horse” so to speak. We want to be happy, so we try to find someone who will make us happy and start a relationship with them. The truth is, happiness comes from within and from God. Only once you are happy with yourself and your identity as a son of God, will you be able to bring that happiness into a relationship with another person. +
6. Being single for a while isn’t the worst thing. Seasons of singleness are a perfect time to get to know yourself better. Try new things and refocus your energy on things that are positive such as spending time with friends and family, going to volunteer at a local food pantry or animal shelter, going out in nature and enjoying the fresh air, exercising, etc. Spend some quality time with God by reading His word and focusing on your relationship with Him. There are also lots of good books that talk about Christian dating that you might find interesting. One great one is “The 5 Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman. Start making lists about what is important in your life and what you’re looking for in future relationships. Find out who you really are and what you really want out of life. Confidence in your identity as a person will draw other people to you who would be a good fit.
God has your back and He has the ultimate plan for you in dating and all other aspects of life. Seasons of wait are just as important as being in a relationship because during this time you can reevaluate yourself, your wants and needs, and grow closer to God. I pray that you will continue to strengthen your relationship with God and your relationship with yourself during this time. I know you will find the healing you are looking for, and that you will be able to move forward with your life in a happy and healthy way.
