How Can I Resist This Desire to Have Sex?
Message: Hi!! I have been talking to a man for about 5 months now, and it’s getting serious. He is going to meet my child soon to see how my child will do around him. Our end goal is marriage and we’ve discussed this extensively. However, one problem seems to have arisen within the past month or so. I have noticed a spike in my sex drive. I’ve already lived with a man before so I already know what I’m missing, and I’ve remained celibate for more than a year now since coming back to the Lord after being back-slidden for more than a year. This sexual desire has become serious!! I’m constantly consumed with thoughts of sex with this person. I don’t want to watch porn or masturbate, but I am struggling with this so much! It’s gotten so bad that I’ve even wondered what would happen if I just slept with an old partner once just to let off some steam. This man has been saved for years now and he’s taken things extremely slow. We aren’t even officially a couple yet because he wants confirmation from the Lord! Which I love, it’s much different from others I’ve been with. I really like this plan, I want to be with him if it’s the Lord’s will. But I’m really struggling with this! He wants to be officially a couple for at least two years before marriage and I’m literally burning with passion over here!! More like dying!! I’m afraid to talk to him about it. I really honestly don’t want to! We communicate about everything but this!! I don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring him into anything if I tell him “Bro i wanna have sex so...let’s not wait as long you want! Marry me already!!!” But that’s literally what I feel like telling him. I’ve prayed endlessly about this in every way! My prayer has ranged from “God take away this desire” to “Okay God cut him completely out of my life he’s taking way to long. Bring me a Godly man who knows from day one i’m supposed to be his wife and we can get married 6 months later.” Help me!! I’m so frustrated and puzzled by this!! I get why he wants to take 2 years to continue to get to know me! But I can’t help but harbor a bit of anger towards him because of it. It does not take 2 years for a man to know if he wants to be with a woman or not. He treats me like a girlfriend but has not asked me to be his girlfriend. I don’t understand why he places such emphasis on “God needs to tell me you’re the one” because the Bible never mentions anything about “the one”. We are free to marry other Christians. I don’t believe in this phenomenon that God has “the one” for you! Ugh anyways please help! I’m struggling!!
Response: Thank you for reaching out with this question. These feelings that you have for your partner are totally normal! Sex drives sometimes have peaks and valleys because of how wacky and crazy are hormones can be, so you aren’t alone in this. It’s also normal that as the emotional and mental part of your relationship grows and develops, the physical desire for love grows as well. It sounds to me like he is a good man for you and has a strong relationship with the Lord which is something to always look for in a significant other. God has designed us each with the desire to find a mate and love them unconditionally, fully, and that includes sex. In this sin-filled world it can be hard to decide if it is worth “waiting,” and even harder to navigate what it means to be truly practicing “godly” sexuality - in line with what God wants for us.
God has called us to sexual purity, but we can sometimes find ourselves frustrated and ashamed when we have any sexual desires at all. This is where we get it all wrong. God made sex and wants us to enjoy its pleasures in the context of marriage. He designed it this way because it is a beautiful and unique way to express your love for your husband or wife – nothing else quite communicates your one-ness in the same way. You are truly bonded for life. That connection combined with the mental and emotional commitment that comes with a God-centered marriage will stand the tests of time. You aren’t supposed to just not feel these desires, but we are supposed to wait to act on them until marriage.
I am glad to hear that you have been able to remain celibate for over a year now. That is a big deal! Going forward with this pure heart, mind, and body and waiting for marriage will not be easy, there’s no doubt about it. In moments when it feels like the gray areas of sex (sexual acts but not intercourse – masturbation, etc.) sound tempting, remember what God has to say about sexual purity in the Bible. There are two levels of purity that God calls us to: firstly physical and then mental sexual purity. In 1 Corinthians 6:18 it says “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body”. This is speaking about the physical purity part. The second aspect of sexual purity that we are to maintain is described in Matthew 5:28 where it says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Now even though the terminology is pointing towards a man thinking about a woman, it's still a two way street. What Matthew is trying to say is that if you see a person and let your mind start romanticizing about them in a sexual way, you’ve sinned just the same as if you were to be physically sexual with them.
These standards are high, and may feel unattainable. The truth is that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The one and only way that we have hope of remaining strong in our convictions is if we call on the power of the Holy Spirit to help. It sounds like you’re already doing that by praying and asking God for help, either to take away the desire or to send you someone who is more sure of his intentions. Both are understandable and rational reactions to your situation. I totally hear you about wanting to be with someone who is sure, and not wanting to wait another two years to get married. To be honest with you, this is something that more people deal with than they would like to admit. It is so hard to remain pure, and it sometimes almost feels counter-intuitive when you’re building a relationship with someone to wait to add in this very important piece until after you’re married. After all, the more you get to know someone and the more you love them, the more you want to show them that love (and receive their love) in every way possible.
So what can you do with this fiery passion that you feel about your significant other? If and when you find yourself starting to dwell on thoughts of sex, try and pause what you are doing in that moment and change your situation. Is it something that you are watching, reading or a picture even that is causing you to dwell on sexual thoughts? Get up and do something else. Go outside, on a walk, a run, interact with people. Keep your mind and hands busy on other things.
The Bible tells us in Philippians 4 that we should guard our hearts and our minds, and spend our time thinking about things that are good, right, true, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. When you feel yourself thinking about sex, go down that list of traits and think of one thing that falls into each of those categories. For example, if you’re hanging out at home watching a movie and you find your mind wandering to places you don’t want it to go, turn off the movie and take out a pen and paper and write down those 9 traits, and then write something next to them that fits the description; good: helping others, right: telling the truth, true: communicating openly, noble: assisting those less fortunate, pure: a child’s smile, lovely: a flower, admirable: a brave military officer, excellent: a fantastic novel you love, and praiseworthy: God’s forgiveness. Your list will be different every time, but by actively directing your mind on where to go and what to think about, you’ll find that a whole new train of thought is created that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. It will get easier to derail those thoughts and guide yourself away from temptation each time you do this.
It’s a beautiful and God-given thing that you have the capacity to love someone in this way. Sex can sometimes be a taboo topic, but I encourage you to talk openly about how you can remain pure and include your partner in these conversations. Sometimes getting your mind off of it is all it takes, but other times having the ability to talk about it really helps. You can keep each other accountable and help each other remain strong. You both obviously really like each other and are serious about your future together, and so being able to talk about sex is very important. If you already have a child, it’s no secret to your boyfriend that you’ve already had sex before, so talk about that openly with him. It might be something that is intimidating to him if he is a virgin. Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to bring it up. Maybe he just isn’t as big on physical affection and so this isn’t something he’s personally struggling with. Or you might be surprised. Maybe he’s been dealing with these same feelings and temptations, and could benefit from some management strategies and companionship in this too.
I encourage you to also discuss the timeline of things. There’s no cookie cutter timeline on how fast or slow to take a relationship. Some marriages in the Bible were fast, and others took seven plus years of waiting. Patience is a virtue, and is definitely something that God calls us to exhibit, so keep that in mind. Ask yourself if you’re being impatient and letting your body rather than your mind guide your actions. Only you can answer this question. The bottom line is that you need to find a timeline for your relationship that works for both of you, and your input in this is valid. God is there to help you and will be able to guide your conversations, thoughts and actions during this time if you let him. Pray together and continue to strengthen your relationship with each other and with God. It’s important that your boyfriend feel comfortable and be sure about this decision, but it’s also valid to explain your desires and needs and evaluate critically if those will be met by this relationship. If you will be holding onto resentment for years to come because he dragged his feet and it made you feel unloved, that’s valid and a concern that you two need to talk about.
Sending prayers up for you both!
