How Do I Build Healthy Relationship Boundaries?
Question: I am dysfunctional in relationships. Initially I am not emotionally engaged because I don’t really believe someone could be interested in me. I feel like meeting someone is a game full of lies just for sex and I don’t want my time wasted. I tell myself I am just fine single and relationships are secondary, however, I tend to forget about what I truly want and I try to be the perfect partner to reinforce my own self-worth or value. I need to be reassured that I am a good catch and a deeply giving caring person who has enough love for two. The problem is I forget about myself and my needs and I give all that I have without complaint with the idea that my unconditional love will show how valuable I am and that I am unique. I get used every time and later realize I meant nothing to my partner. He just wants me for what I can do not because he wants or needs me as a person.
Response: I am glad that you reached out with your question. Relationships are a bit tricky and we can even lose ourselves in them. It can be easy to think outside of a relationship what you would like for it to look like and then when you get into one, it can be completely different than what you expected. Sometimes you even wish there was a road map to help navigate these things! But any relationship that has a firm foundation in Christ, is a solid relationship.
I would suggest that you spend some time getting to know you and what makes you, you. What makes you happy, sad, annoyed, etc. because this will help you gain confidence in yourself. Loving yourself and who you are will help you feel better about yourself and make you a good future partner as well. There are great Christian books about relationships as well that you can find at your local bookstore or online that can provide some insight in this area as well.
God did not create relationships to be one giant chess match, always keeping score trying to best someone. Relationships are supposed to have harmony and be cohesive and no one person should be using the other for a personal gain. God told us in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 the type of person He wants us to be with. Not only can this apply to a significant other, but you can insert your name into the passage of scripture as well. Every time you see the word love, put your name in its place. This exercise will prove to be beneficial during this season of singleness. It will likely reveal to you any problem areas where you tend to over extend yourself to your partner, and it will also reinforce the fact that unconditional love, in the right context and with the right person, is actually exactly what God has in mind for our relationships.
Another activity that you can do is to write out a list of things that you want in a significant other, things that you are willing to compromise on and things that you would consider red flags. For example, you would want someone who loves the Lord, can make you laugh and smile, but you are able to compromise on things like who cleans what or who will do the long drives. A big red flag for someone with your capacity for love should be anyone who tends to have a manipulative streak. Avoid this at all costs.
Writing out or verbally telling yourself words of affirmation daily will help too with your journey towards self-love and self-appreciation. God loves you and he cares for you so much that it is as far as the east is from the west (Psalms 103:1). He wants the best for you and so by starting each day in prayer and spending time with Him you will find yourself centered and your confidence increased. Reading the Bible and telling yourself things like “I am worthy” “I deserve to be treated with love and respect” “I am beautiful” will help improve your personal self-worth.
God has someone for all of us that we are supposed to be with and in God’s perfect timing. So continue to strengthen your relationship with him and yourself. Relationships do not mean that you have to do everything perfectly and be perfect all the time. You should be able to be your true self and be who you are with the person you are with. You will start to see yourself as God sees you.
Praying for you! I hope that you receive the clarity that you need. God loves you and has someone in mind who will reciprocate your unconditional love – you just have to be willing to be selective as you search for them.
