How Do I Help My Boyfriend With His Sex Addiction?
Message: My boyfriend explained to me about having a sex addiction—he thinks he’s relapsing and we just started a new relationship and he doesn’t want sex to just be a “high” anymore. He said he doesn’t want the feelings he has for me to just go away and I don’t know if there’s anyway I can help him. What do I do—give him his time, his space?
Response: Thank you for writing in. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this in your new relationship. Addiction in any form can be crippling to a relationship. Even though this is an issue that your boyfriend is personally struggling with, it’s easy for it to now feel like it’s as much your issue as it is his since it has to do with sex, and the sexual aspects of an individual will almost always affect their partner - either positively or negatively. I hear you feeling some personal responsibility to help him, and while I commend you for your kindness, I want to reassure you that you are not responsible for “fixing” your new boyfriend. You are on the right track – time and space are probably what he will need to work through this. But even more than that, he will need your support, and he will need strength to overcome his temptations. Let’s talk about what that looks like.
Overcoming an addiction is a very difficult thing. By definition, it feels counterintuitive to the person navigating it. How could something good be bad? In the case of a sexual addiction, it’s often the case that it’s just too much of a “good” thing. Their brain becomes literally addicted to the “happiness” hormone that is released during pleasure/sex, and their brain craves more and more of it, just as if it was a drug they were taking. Because of the way sex addiction works, it can be exceedingly difficult for people to find true recovery while they are navigating a sexual relationship with a partner, so you need to be open to the idea of giving him space if that’s what he decides that he needs.
Helping him figure out what he really needs is what a mental health professional can do for the two of you. If he isn’t already, I’d encourage you to suggest that he see a therapist or talk with a counselor about this issue. They can work with him to find techniques and tools that are right for him and will hold up against the strength of the addiction he is dealing with, and ultimately help him overcome. Yes, it is possible to overcome a sex addiction on your own, and many people do, but what a counselor provides is that extra level of support and guidance that is needed to maintain stronger control over the things that he is struggling with. I don't know what the best option for him is, but also you have to consider your role in the situation. What is best for you? What does God want for you? Maybe you can encourage him to reach out for help, to see a counselor or talk to a professional, so that he can figure out what he needs for himself and from you moving forward.
There is hope and healing for your boyfriend, from this and any other addiction, only in the strength that God promises to his children who ask. The best thing that you can do for him, and for your relationship, is to encourage him to look to God. The Bible tells us that "When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles," Psalm 34:17. You can be there to support him, reassure him, and give him the comfort of knowing that he can be genuine and communicate about things openly and without fear of judgement. Keep in mind that it's also important for you to feel comfortable in your relationship, not to feel pressured to do (or not do) something in fear of the relationship ending. God created relationships to be healthy, to be balanced. You are ultimately the one that decides how much of this needs to become your problem.
It sounds like your boyfriend is on the right track, and that he recognizes the issues with a relationship that skews overly physical or gets sexually intimate too fast – fading feelings, dramatic highs and lows, actions without meaning behind them. I’m encouraged by his awareness of the issue as well as by his willingness to openly communicate about this with you. If he is genuinely concerned and wants to overcome this addiction, I would encourage him to seek professional help – see a counselor or talk through this with a therapist.
"For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the list of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but it is of the world." 1 John 2:16
Scripture tells us that the temptations and sins that we experience come from the world, from our environment, from human nature. We can't ever know what's going on in someone else's head if we don't suffer from the same temptations, but what we can know is the power of having God on our side. If you decide that this relationship is what's best for you, I encourage you to consider the power behind including God in your relationship. Invite Him in, ask Him for encouragement, and remember that relationships work best with three members: you, your partner, and God!
The best advice I can give you is to pray. Pray for wisdom. Pray for understanding, comfort, and guidance. You may not know what your boyfriend is going through, but God does. He also knows what's best for you, and sometimes He can surprise us by opening doors we didn't even know were there! "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might." Ephesians 6:10
