Is It Okay to Wait for Him?
Question: I was in a relationship with someone for three months, and I absolutely loved him. He cared for me so well, we worked out great together. But I could tell he was becoming stagnant in his faith and despite many conversations about my concerns, nothing changed. I suggested we then take a break so we could both grow individually in our faith. This turned into a break-up as he realized he had put me on a pedestal and had many things to work on in his faith and maturity before he’d be willing to date anyone again. Taking me off my pedestal also opened his eyes to my flaws he didn’t see before so it made him question being with me. We are friends right now, and it seems like the shock of seeing me in the new light is wearing off and he’s realizing he still wants to be with me. I agree with him that he definitely needs time to be single and mature before jumping into any kind of relationship again. I still love him deeply. Is it okay to wait for him? What should our friendship look like as two people who still have deep feelings for one another and want to be together but know we have to wait?
Response: I am glad that you reached out with your question. This is something that many couples go through at one point or another. Everything in a relationship starts off all fine and dandy but then after some time, reality sets in and your eyes open up to what the relationship may require from the both of you. It can be hard but that is all a part of gaining a deeper understanding of the reality of committing yourself to another person. I commend you both for this decision to take some time apart to grow and mature. It is a testament to your wisdom that you are being intentional about making sure you are each continuing to grow in your faith and that your relationship is not hindering your individual maturation processes. Navigating that in-between period where you’re more than friends but less than a couple can be really complex – especially if it’s intentional time apart for growth. I’ll do my best to talk you through this.
It sounds like you both care for each other deeply and that may make being just friends more difficult. If you truly want to just stay friends for a while, try and create situations where romantic feelings will not arise so easily. Hanging out with other mutual friends playing games or starting a group Bible study together can be great ways to spend time together without the need for romance. Situations in which the two of you could be alone together may not be the best choice for the time being. Let this time of friendship be a time to reevaluate your personal feelings for each other and what it would look like if you were to be in a relationship again, but do this independently. It’s important for you to be able to form your own thoughts and feelings about the relationship, without his input or influence on your mind – and vice versa! It’s also hard to think of each other as friends if you continue talking about your past/future relationship potential the whole time. Try to re-frame your mind so that the purpose of this time apart is not to bring you back together. Try to think of it as a way to focus on you, your faith, your individuality and maturity – without even the thought of a romantic relationship. Time apart should be just that – time apart. If you are who God has in mind for each other, taking time apart will not be the end of your relationship, but rather a grand intermission.
One idea would be to make an intentional decision to not be in any relationships for a while. Taking a break from each other or breaking up can sometimes leave room for an equal or greater distraction to enter your life in the form of a new romantic interest. This defeats the point of course. Give yourself the time and space to truly be individual for a while.
I pray that you both gain a new perspective from this time of singleness. Pray for each other to have a firmer walk with Christ and that you can benefit from this time of being friends. The time will come when you will both be able to try being in a romantic relationship with each other again. Or after being single for a while you may find that this guy wasn’t the one after all. Everything will happen in God’s timing. Have faith and pray that He will make it clear to the both of you what your next steps should be.
