Why Did I Lose My Father Over This?

Question: My parents were divorced when my little sister and I were young. We lived with mom. My mom was old school about some things. When I was 10, I went pretty far from the house, did not leave a note or ask permission. I did not get home until dark. My mom spanked me- sort of wore my butt out as they used to say. Mom was crying too, telling me how much she hated it but that I had to know that when she made rules about things, especially safety, she meant business. So a great day of mother and daughter activities ended badly. When daddy heard about this, he tried to get me to come live with him. I stayed put with my mom. Daddy has always taken that as a personal betrayal and almost shuns me. Why? I had a lot of good things going on at home and didn't want to leave. I was not mad at my mom. I trusted her judgement. I mean, I did it. I was guilty. Negative actions have consequences. At the time, mom said better a red butt than me being kidnapped or dead. But why did I lose my father over this? I love him still and miss him

Response: Divorce is hard on any family and especially when it happens to children at a young age. I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you and your family, and I want you to know that you are not alone. When traumatic things happen to us at a young age, it is quite common to sometimes make rash decisions like what you did when you left home for the day without telling anyone. While extremely dangerous, it was a fairly normal way to act out. I am glad you were able to mend things with your mother after this incident but it is disheartening to hear how things turned out with your father. 

I want you to know that him asking you to come live with him was likely out of love and came from a good place. It was probably less related to this incident with your mom spanking you than you think. It is not uncommon for parents to ask children to choose sides during a divorce – although it certainly is wrong, it happens. For the parent who does not get custody of the children, it can be a last ditch effort at trying to feel loved and like their family is still “their family.” You did nothing wrong by choosing to stay with your mother. There was a reason she was given custody, and it was likely that you were better off with her. Your dad’s reaction to basically stop talking to you after this was not right on his part. I’m sorry he chose to behave in this immature way. He was likely feeling very directionless and hurt at the time, but that is no excuse.

I am not sure of how much time has passed since the incident but maybe try reaching out to your father again. Closure is something that we all need and want when we are in a fight or disagreement of some sort with a family member or close friend. It can be hard mentally when one person is still mad or upset with us and we are not sure where or what to do next. If at all possible, reach out to your father and try to talk with him about your decisions. It will be important for both of you to approach the conversation trying to see things from the other person’s point of view.

If he is unable or unwilling to meet and talk about these feelings and this situation, it will be hard but there are other things that you can do to help the situation a bit for yourself. Some people like to write out their feelings and thoughts in a journal or an open letter to the person they are wanting to talk to. If you write out a letter of some sorts to your father about what you want to say to him, it may help you feel a bit more at ease and like you’ve gotten closure about the situation.  

A father’s love is important to any person and it is painful beyond belief when you are made to feel as though he doesn't love you anymore. Whatever the case may be with your earthly father, your Father in heaven loves you very much no matter what. His love is unconditional and when we come to Him, He will take us up in His strong arms and give us a big bear hug. God is someone you can always talk to and find solace in especially in challenging times such as this one. Never forget that He hears you, is there for you, and will never leave your side.

I pray that your father is able to give you an opportunity to talk to him and express to him what was going through your mind and thought process so that he can hopefully understand that is wasn’t a choice that was meant to hurt him. Let him know that you do miss and love him. Continue to pray for your father and strengthen your relationship with Christ. Let Him be a strong guide for your life during these difficult times.

All the love to you sister,

G2G Mentor