Is It Wrong to Want to Have Sex Before You're Married?
Message: Is it wrong to want to have sex?
Response: Thank you for the great question! Wanting to have sex is a very normal desire that everyone at some point in their life has. This desire can occur whether or not you're in a relationship. As men and women mature we are introduced to an onslaught of hormones that can sometimes feel like they rule our minds. God has designed us each with the desire to find a mate and love them unconditionally, but living in a sin-filled world can make it difficult to understand what is ok and what isn't.
As God has called us to sexual purity, we can sometimes find ourselves frustrated and ashamed when we have any sexual desires at all. However the bible explains to us what God considers as sexual impurity. Two important things to note is that the bible mentions physical sexual purity and mental sexual purity.
1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to: "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."
Being sexually impure physically tends to be the more commonly understood sin as it has been watered down and explained to us as: "Having sex before marriage is a sin. How do you prevent committing that sin? Don't have sex." While it is more nuanced then that, this oversimplification has made it an easier concept to grasp than mental sexual purity.
Matthew 5:28 says "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
For us to truly understand what this verse means it's important to understand the meaning of lust. Good old Merriam-Webster defines lust as: usually intense or unrestrained sexual desire. This isn't referring to the desire of having sex itself. What Matthew is saying if you see a person and let your mind start romanticizing about them in a sexual way, you've sinned just the same as if you were to be physically sexual with them.
So to bring this back to your original question. Is it wrong to want to have sex yet you can’t? While the desire to have sex isn't inherently wrong it's a little more complicated and I encourage you to ask yourself a few questions. Are you in a relationship and you find yourself wanting to have sex with them? Or do you find yourself getting caught up in movies or stories and fantasizing about having sex?
It is very common and normal to want to be intimate with someone you love. If this is the case I encourage you to be very careful as while this feeling is normal, dwelling or acting on those feelings would not be wise. It's important for couples to be on the same page so that they can work together to stay sexually pure and not allow themselves to be in situations that would tempt them to break their commitments to each other and God.
It is also very common to get caught up in the things we read and see on TV. From an early age we are introduced to the concept of prince charming and false ideas of romance. As we get older we watch movies and shows that regularly display steamy, often unmarried, sex and those images get played over and over in our heads again. While this may seem harmless it can awaken desires in us that if left unchecked can lead us to sin.
If you find yourself starting to dwell on thoughts of sex, I encourage you to take a good look at what you are doing in that moment. If it's something you're watching, a picture you're looking at, or a book you are reading, it's important for you to take note of that and consider changing the habits you are forming and replacing them with different ones.
Sex is not something taboo that people must talk about hidden away in secret. But when we follow the guidelines that God has set out for us it can be something truly beautiful shared within marriage.
